Focus on the Fourth
Welcome to Focus on the Fourth!
Focus on the Fourth is a resource for supporting someone that’s just had a new baby. The first few months, the 14 weeks postpartum, is known as the Fourth Trimester. This is a time of rapid growth and change for babies and parents.
Parents who are supported after they have a new baby are less likely to experience postpartum depression. The support of family and friends has been shown to help parents get off to a good, healthy start.
Sometimes it is hard for new parents to ask for help or to plan for what they will need after the baby is born. Below are six key areas to help family and friends provide support to new parents. These are early postpartum experiences that can impact parenting going forward.
Your support really counts and can make all the difference in how a family copes in the fourth trimester. Please check in on your people!
Want to learn more about how to support someone who’s just become a new parent?
Check out the resources below, follow us on social media and check back to this page for updates and additional resources!
Areas of Support
Feeding
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How someone feeds their baby is their choice. This choice is impacted by many different factors and personal reasons. Sometimes people can feel pressure to feed their baby in a certain way, if they cannot or decide not to, it can lead to distress and in some cases can be a factor in anxiety and depression postpartum. There are a number of different ways to feed a baby:
Breastfeeding
Formula bottle feeding
Pumping breastmilk/Bottle Feeding
Donor breastmilk with a bottle
And a combination of all these
When a baby is having a hard time feeding, this is extremely distressing for parents. They can end up feeling like they are failing and not doing a good job. The baby may have a condition that makes it hard for them to feed. Also, issues such as latching difficulties, breast tissue infection, and formula shortages can overwhelm parents.
Supporting parents in the way they need or decide to feed can help them to feel more relaxed about the process. Being supportive means withholding any judgment about how your loved one is choosing to feed their baby. Let them know they don’t have to feel embarrassed, ashamed or guilty for their decision.
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How can you help if your loved one is having challenges with feeding?
Be available and ready to offer a listening ear.
Make some room for frustration, anger and sadness. Allow emotions to rise and settle. Support without moving to solutions or answers.
Help with holding the baby or bring the parent water and healthy snacks to eat after or between feedings.
Offer practical help around the home or with buying groceries and or making meals.
Have referrals ready for a support or parent group, lactation consultants, and available providers who can schedule an appointment.
Your help goes a long way!
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Local (Sonoma County, CA) support & resources
For breastfeeding/ formula feeding / bottle feeding parents and their friends:
Support with breastfeeding:
For breastfeeding and infant formula feeding support:
Sleeping
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Sleep deprivation is a normal, expected part of having a new baby. The impact is often minimized. Sleep deprivation affects our moods and our ability to function, and it can affect our relationships. There can be a decreased interest in wanting to connect or lack of patience with loved ones. If unchecked, sleep deprivation can contribute to postpartum depression. At the extreme, sleep deprivation can be a symptom of a serious mental health crisis postpartum
Good sleep makes everything else much easier.
Sleep is the number one step in self-care postpartum.
Sleep is an essential part of healing postpartum depression, anxiety, or other mental health disorders
If someone is taking medication, sleep will help to make it more effective.
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How can you support a new parent to get sleep?
Help new parents to make a sleep plan.
Hold their baby while they sleep.
Listen without judgment to their descriptions about the difficulty of newborns and sleep deprivation.
Try to remind new parents that as hard as this might be at the moment, sleep deprivation in new parenthood is short lived.
Let a new parent know it is ok to leave chores and projects for another time–Sleep is more important.
If your loved one has several days without sleep, it could be an emergency. Please encourage them to contact their medical provider.
There are so many different ways of approaching sleep solutions. Click here for some sleep suggestions.
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Apps:
Calm (some insurances provide subscription for free)
Sleep deprivation:
For help with insomnia & improving the quality of your sleep:
New York Times: The Key to Better Sleep When You Have a New Baby
Washington Post: Sleep Can Help New Moms Avoid Depression. Partners Can Do More.
Paid services that address sleep:
Soothing
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Crying, and our reaction to baby cries, are human nature. Babies' cries are their first form of communication, designed to make us take action to meet their needs. And parents’ bodies are wired to react to the cry. So it is natural to feel very anxious when our efforts don’t stop their crying.
All babies go through a period of peak crying between 3-8 weeks old. It is common for babies to cry for up to 2.5 hours every day at this age, even after all of their needs have been met. Babies often cry most during the “witching hour” in the evenings. This is because their sensitive, young nervous systems are overwhelmed by the day’s worth of sensory input.
Some babies come into this world harder to soothe than others. Colic is defined as crying more than 3 hours/day, 3 days/week for 3 weeks. More than 25% of babies between 3-8 weeks old meet this definition. It doesn’t matter whether a baby meets the definition of colicky or not, what matters is how the baby’s parents feel about their ability to soothe them.
The more anxious we get, the harder it is to soothe a baby. When parents cannot soothe their babies, even with their best effort, they may feel like they are failing. It is common to feel angry, upset and guilty, and these feelings get bigger when we are tired. In two-parent families, one person may have an easier time soothing the baby, this can be hard for both parents
This time can be very frustrating for parents, but it's important to remember that babies eventually grow out of it. Babies in this phase may not be soothed by anything, so let parents know not to worry if they are doing the best they can and their baby still cries.
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How can you help?
Offer to listen. Listen without making a lot of suggestions, and without judgment.
When babies are hard to soothe, their parents often become exhausted. They may need help getting enough sleep (see Sleeping resources).
When babies are hard to soothe, they may be having feeding difficulties. Their parents may need support with their feelings about feeding (see Feeding resources).
Everybody’s needs will be different, but most parents could use anything that gives them a break. They may want help holding the baby, or they may want a meal or help with chores around their home.
When parents are exhausted and stressed out by a baby who is hard to soothe, they really benefit from self care. Even half an hour a day to rest, shower, or nap can make a big difference.
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Soothing:
Peak crying:
Podcasts:
Zero to Three: Little Kids, Big Questions - Coping With Crying in Babies and Toddlers
Feelings
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Having a baby is such a life changing experience, even when a family has prepared for their “new arrival”. Sometimes the birth, and life afterwards, are different than expected. The couple’s and family’s workload, biology, self-image, sleeping, feeding and everyday schedules have all changed. These ups and downs can leave parents feeling many feelings at once. During this time most parents can have emotional highs and lows. Adjusting in the fourth trimester can be tough, regardless of race, gender, economic status or number of previous births.
When this adjustment seems harder, or is lasting for some time, it may mean that someone has developed a mood or anxiety disorder postpartum. It is estimated that 20-30% of people will experience a mood or anxiety disorder in the 2 years after having a baby. These can be:
Some people with a mood or anxiety disorder may start thinking about suicide.
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How can you support?
Offer help, especially in the first days or months following the baby arrival.
The new parents in your life may find some forms of support more helpful than others. Please listen and respect their wishes.
Encourage new parents to get plenty of rest, eat nutritious healthy foods and drink a lot of water.
Prepare a meal, take care of baby so parents can nap, take a bath or have a break.
Stay connected.
Encourage a new parent to contact professional support if you are concerned about their mood.
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Resources & Guides:
Depression During and After Pregnancy: A Resource for Women, Their Families and Friends (PDF)
Graph on differences between baby blues and postpartum depression
What to expect:
On creating a well-being plan:
Creating positive affirmations for new parents:
Relationships
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It is very common to feel isolated postpartum. We often believe we need to be self-reliant, but babies are meant to be cared for by many people. We have all heard the term “it takes a village to raise a child.” For most of human history, we lived in large family groups, with lots of adults around to help take care of our babies. Parenting without this support can feel very lonely.
Parents can feel a lack of connection to each other and may have a hard time supporting each other. After a baby, parents have less time to spend together and are more tired. There can be a lot of stress about money, work, extended family relationships, and other details that cause conflict for couples. When one parent is depressed or having a hard time, it is very common for the other parent to become depressed too.
Support can show up in lots of different ways. Some people are good at emotional support - they can listen without judgment. Some people are better at practical support - they can do tasks like laundry and dishes without judgment. Most new parents need both.
Getting the right support can mean setting boundaries with people, often for the first time. It is important for new parents to decide for themselves what kind of support they need, and for their loved ones to respect their choices. If people feel supported by their partner or family, it helps prevent postpartum depression
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How can you help?
The new parents in your life may love a visit. But remember they are already giving all of their energy to taking care of their baby, they can’t be expected to treat you like a guest. If you are visiting, offer to bring a meal, do dishes or laundry, or take care of other household chores.
The new parents in your life may not be ready for a visit. Even when you are eager to meet that sweet baby, do your best to respect their boundaries. Remember that their decision is not personal, it is about them figuring out their own needs in this very sensitive time. Even if they are not ready for a visit, they may still love a meal dropped off at their door.
Sometimes it can be very hard for new parents to ask for help, so ask them what their needs are. Offer to listen and to provide support.
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Changes in relationships:
How to offer support:
Connecting with other parents:
Physical Health
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Birth is exhausting. New mothers and parents need time to recover, even from an uncomplicated birth. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell normal recovery from a complication. In some cases, signs and symptoms of physical problems are minimized, misread or misunderstood. This is particularly true for Black Women. Due to inequality and systemic racism, Black women have a maternal mortality rate that is 2.6 times higher than white women.
Health problems can occur during pregnancy and up to one year postpartum. They can be life threatening and, in many cases, are preventable.
If you or someone in your life is pregnant or has been with in the last year and is experiencing any of the following, seek medical care immediately:
When people have physical complications during or after birth, it can impact:
Their sense of confidence as a new parent.
How bonded they feel to their new baby.
Their ability to breastfeed and other experiences postpartum.
It can leave them feeling vulnerable and incompetent.
Seeking Medical Care:
Contact your health provider
Go to your local Urgent Care
Go to your local Emergency Room
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How can you help?
Take their pain and discomfort seriously
Encourage them to call their doctor
Offer to go with them to doctor’s visits and be their advocate.
Remind them to tell a healthcare professional who might be unfamiliar with their history that they have been pregnant in the last year.
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